The burns that cover his skin
by JustcallmeRiley
Summary: Look at me, murderer, weak, and ugly.Scars all over my body, constantly mocking me telling me how weak I am, A self-conscience coward. A Jasper self-harm story. Cullen's are vampires. Self-harm described in detail, may be triggering, Rated M for a reason.
1. Chapter 1

Authors note: Jasper had this problem throughout the twilight series, in the story he never showed Bella the bite marks.

May be triggering: this may be extremely triggering, please read with caution if you are easily triggered.

Disclaimer: I don't own twilight or any of the characters. The author of the series, Stephanie Meyer does. I'm not in any way making a profit, purely for entertainment purposes. I also don't own any of the quotes used or the little bit of shakspere.

* * *

_'You hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside'_  
_- girl, interrupted_

* * *

Alice, beautiful Alice, everything about her is beautiful. She's so pure; innocent Bubbly, fun, energetic. And then look at me, murder, weak, and ugly. Scars all over my body, constantly mocking me telling me how weak I am. A self-conscience coward. The burns cover my entire body, every inch of my body except my hands face and neck.

"Jazz, you ok?" Emmett said snapping me out of my daze. I looked down at the video game, an Xbox. Emmett was playing vs. me and I was losing. My whole body was shaking un-controllably, I needed it. I needed the high temperature to burn into my skin until I heard a sizzle. I flinched from the craving being too much. I paused the game and put the controller on the couch and got up.

"I'm just goin' to my room." I said in a strained voice. Emmet knows about my problem.

I got up from the couch and went up the stairs and into the room I shared with Alice. I lay on the bed and turned the television on. I flipped through the channels looking for something that would catch my interest. Nothing did so I settled for watching the news.

I looked down at my legs and they were shaking, my whole body was shaking. I needed it, I needed to burn myself. It's not worth it to fight it; it's not just what I wanted it's what I need. I need it more than anything, more than blood. More than anything I could think of.

I got up and frantically starting searching for a lighter. I looked in Alice's drawers, and then my own. I didn't find one. I was shaking too much I could barely open the drawer. I looked in Alice's closet and then her jewelry box, no such luck. Where else could one be? I got on my hands and knees and looked under the bed. Sticking my hand all the way under the bed I rubbed the floor. My hand hit a smooth object made out of metal. I pulled it out and found a lighter. I held it close to my chest and thanked god that I found one. I put the lighter in my pocket.

"I'm goin' hunting!" I yelled to Emmett since he was the only other person home. I opened my dresser and put on a short sleeve shirt

"Do you want me to come with you?" Emmett asked me.

"No, I'm wearing a short sleeve shirt." I answered.

"okay." He mumbled. That was the rule nobody sees them, with few exceptions. Because I don't want anybody knowing how weak I really am.

* * *

The lighter was jingling around in my pocket making a pretty little bell noise like Alic-'don't you dare compare this to Alice' I yell at myself. I'm running as fast as I could to get far enough away from the house so that Emmett wouldn't hear me if I do scream. I've almost tripped a couple times because I'm shaking so much. My whole body is vibrating and it won't go away until I fulfill my needs. I sit down on the ground at a random spot. I take my shirt off and then I take the lighter out of my pocket and open it. I slid my thumb on the metal grinders and then held my thumb on the red button. I put the small flame on a partially healed area of skin. In a couple of seconds it hurt, I felt pain. I felt something. I leaned my head against a tree and I felt peaceful, peaceful beyond words.

When I hear the beautiful sizzle noise I move the lighter and find more partially healed skin and put the flame on the skin. My skin heats up and comforting warmth is spread through my whole body. The warmth comforts me, like sitting near a fire but now I was just touching it. I did the same thing countless more times.

* * *

I hunted a couple deer before returning home. Carlisle's and Rosalie's cars were in the driveway. Before you even walked in the front door you heard Nessie showing Emmett what they got him. I heard Alice in our room putting her stuff away. Since I was wearing short sleeves I couldn't go through the front door. I walked around the house and saw there weren't any open windows. I went over near my bedroom window and grabbed pebbles and started throwing them at the window. Might as well be romantic. Alice opened the window and smiled her flawless smile. She quoted shaksphere, but since I don't like the classics I don't read them and I didn't know what Romeo says after that so I just laughed. Alice moved to the side so I could come in. I jumped on a nearby tree and then I jumped and landed inside the house. Alice was right next to me. She looked down and saw my arms.

"You're wearing short sleeves?" she whispered.

"Just for the hunt, I didn't realize everybody would be home." I said also in a whisper. I walked to my dresser and took out a long sleeve shirt; it was a basic black t-shirt.

"You know the family won't mind if you don't cover them up." Alice told me still in a whisper.

"But I mind. You know how I feel about it ." I said "can you turn around so I can get changed?" I asked. She didn't argue and turned around. I quickly changed my shirt.

* * *

Alice and I walked down stairs. Before I could even make it to the living room my adorable little niece ran up to me screaming "Uncle Jazz!" she gave me a hug. I had to bend down so she could be eye level. With a physically seven Nessie standing on my toes, I walked to the living room. Everybody was in the living room, and we were all laughing and talking. But I know that won't last long, somebody will say something, and the craving will come back.

* * *

**What'd you guys think?If you have any questions about the story don't be shy. Im sorry if Jasper didn't sound like a boy, im a girl so I don't really know how guys heads work. ****A little background:**** everybody in the Cullen family knows except for Bella and Renesmee. Sorry if it's short I'm still trying to figure out how long each chapter should be, eventually all of the chapters will be a good review, favorite follow. I love all you guys! Constructive critsism welcomed! p.s. I used the line break for like the first time sorry if I went a bit over-board. I'm also trying to make it seem like Jasper has a Texas accent so it I make it look weird I probablly tried that, make me aware of it and I'll fix it.**


	2. Chapter 2

_ Refuse to feel anything at all,_

_ refuse to slip, refuse to fall, _

_ can't be weak, _

_ can't stand still, _

_ watch your back because no one else will._

* * *

_song list (songs that i listend to while writing this chapter and the last chapter): _

_Your biggest mistake-Ellie Goulding_

_Bittersweet- Ellie Goulding_

_Light eyes dubstep remix- Ellie Goulding_

_I need your love- Calviin Harris and Ellie Goulding_

_I knew you were trouble-Taylor swift_

_Don't you worry child- Swedish house mafia_

* * *

May be triggering: this may be extremely triggering, please read with caution if you are easily triggered.

SEX SCENE WARNING! may be too mature for som people

Disclaimer: I don't own twilight or any of the characters. The author of the series, Stephanie Meyer does. I'm not in any way making a profit, purely for entertainment purposes. I don't own remember the name by For minor.

* * *

I was searching the internet, almost excessively. I heard a knock on the door of my study. I breathed in and smelled the scent that could only belong to my beautiful Alice.

"Come in" I called out. The door opened and Alice came in. she walked up to the chair I was sitting in and she sat on my lap. She breathed into my ear, which she knows I find incredibly sexy. She put her lips on top of mine and we started to kiss. Alice pulled away but I kissed her again. She put her hands in my hair and pulled.

"In the chair?" she asked. I felt like I was on auto-pilot. My boner was pressing against my pants. Obviously the office chair wasn't exactly my ideal place to have sex.

"Maybe we could go to our room." Alice said trying to hide a smile. We got up and Alice I tried to fix our hair a little bit. We straightened out our clothes and we ran to our room.

Alice practically pushed me on the bed. She was on top of me kissing me. Oh god I love her so much. She put her hand in my hair a pulled a fistful. She depend the kiss. She pulled away and I looked at her with a sad face. She un-buttoned two on the buttons on her shirt. I practically jumped on her and un-buttoned the rest of them. She had a sexy lace bra on. We lay down again and I was on top of her. My hands found there was to the clasp and I undid it. I threw the fabric on the floor, leaving her breasts completely exposed. My hands we on them within second. I massaged them. I could smell Alice's wetness, and quite frankly it turned me on. I moved my mouth to her nipple and sucked on it. I kept on massaging her other breast with my hand. She moaned and I smiled with her nipple in my mouth. I moved to her pants and I unbuttoned the button on her jeans. I grabbed the zipper and pulled it down. I put my thumbs around her pants and slid them down. She was wearing black lace panties. I slid them down off of her body. I went closer to her stomach along the way. My tongue met her area and I moved my tongue back and forth. I heard moans from Alice and again I smiled still licking her. She moaned again and then she came. I ate every bit of it up.

xxx

Alice tried to take my shirt off. But of course I wouldn't let her.

"I have a class soon." Not exactly a lie

"Please baby." she begged me. I shook my head and in return she frowned. I hate making her un-happy but I just can't show her how weak I am. She went into the closet and came out fully dressed. She was at the door way and she blew me a kiss and walked downstairs. I was completely dressed but I had some of Alice's uhm... juices on my shirt. I took it off and turned it inside out before putting it in the hamper. I buried it on the bottom of the hamper. I put on a blue long sleeve t-shirt. I put on a pair of blue lightly ripped skinny jeans; they were really lightly ripped though you defiantly couldn't see through them. I put on a gray beanie and went downstairs.

xxx

Carlisle was reading the newspaper. I saw the stack on newspaper next to him and I saw what other sections there were. Sports section? nope. Movie? no. comic? Sure why not. I opened the first page and there were all political comics. On the next page it was full of comics making fun of a movie. I closed the newspaper and put it in the stack with the other ones. I went into the kitchen were Esme was making food, for Nessie I assumed. I might as well ask. What do I got to lose.

"Who ya cookin' for?" I asked Esme

"Jacob and Seth are going to be visiting, so I'm making them food because after a long car ride they must be hungry." Esme told me. I nodded. I don't like the fact Jacob imprinted on Nessie, but what am I going to do about it?

Ask if on timing Nessie came into the house and Alice was right behind her.

"Grandma! Uncle Jazzy!" Nessie shouted, and then she began running towards us. Since Esme was closer she gave her a hug first and then she gave me a hug.

"How'd ya sleep?" I asked her.

"awsometacular!" Nessie answered smiling.

"That's awsometacular…" she smiled an even bigger smile and went into the living room.

"Why were you with Nessie?" I asked Alice.

"She needed help picking out her outfit." She answered. Esme was reading directions for a recipe and she was getting annoyed, it probably said season to taste and she obviously can't do that so…

At that second my cell phone ring filled the house 'This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill Fifteen percent concentrated power of will Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!' I ran up the stairs into my room and answered the phone.

"Hello?" I said without my usual Texan accent.

"Hey Jasper its uhm Rob, my car kind of wont start so can you give me a ride?" Robert was a kid in some of my classes. I'm closer to him than any other human.

"Yeah, okay I'll be there in 20 minutes or so." I told him

"Okay thanks dude you're a life saver." He told. 'No I'm the opposite' I wanted to tell him. I'm a disquieting murder A serial killer. I've killed countless innocent people, with families and lives and futures… I snapped myself out of the self-pity. I ran down the stairs. And Alice was at the bottom of the stairs…

"Bye Jazz." She stood on her toes and placed her lips on mine and we kissed. We stayed like that for a minute until I pulled away. I know I had to pick up rob but I didn't want to be away from Alice.

"Bye uncle Jazzy!" Nessie shouted from the couch.

"Bye Nessie." I said before grabbing the keys and leaving.


	3. Chapter 3

**I might change my pen name, so just beware of that.**

May be triggering, please read with caution.

If anybody has any question about self injury aka cutting burning ask me. if you want to talk message me. If you have any questions about the story. leave them in a review.

"_sometimes, I try to imagine the world without me. it's so wonderful, it's the world I want to live in."-JustcallmeRiley_

* * *

_A hard fist slammed into my face, hitting me so hard I feel to the ground._

"_Don't talk to me with that tone." A middle aged man yelled._

"_Father I was just asking if I could use the candle light for my school work." I said politely. He snorted and started to laugh hysterically in return._

"_Why would ya do that? You'll aint gonna be anything anyway." The man calmly said. He went up to me and kicked me in the gut. Even though I was already on the ground I doubled over in pain. He kicked me again, even harder and I heard a crack._

"_Look at me when I'm speaking!" he yelled while kicking me again._

I started to shake. I looked next to me for a lighter, there wasn't one there. I opened the compartment between the driver's seat and the passenger's seat. One was in there. I pulled up my sleeve and then I slid my finger on the lighter and then pressed it on my arm. The warmth spread through my body. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in years.

_I took the knife from under my pillow, I pulled the sleeve on my right arm up. I looked at my arm and I saw the red lines of shame. What am I doing to myself? I lifted the knife up and put it on the skin of my arm. I put as much pressure as I could on the knife, and I dragged it across my skin. I stopped and in the same spot I dragged it across the other way. I dragged it across again and like magic, everything floated away. I felt free.i felt like I was flying. I dragged it across again. I dragged it across the other way again. I lifted the knife up and blood was all over it. blood was dripping on the bed. _

'_What will I do when I run out of arm space?' I ask myself_

'_ill never let it get that far. Im goin' to get married, and have kids, and this will all be a distant memory.'_

I was lying to myself. I knew that too. Thats was really pisses me off. why didn't I stop then? I probably could if I tried hard enough. But not now, its too late for me now.

"_jasper!" my younger sister yelled. She lknoced on the door before entering my bedroom. _

"_come in!" she slowly opened the door and came in. she shut the door very lightly behind her._

"_does everybody's daddy hit them like ours?" she asked. I never realized she didn't know that this wasn't normal. We used to be a normal happy family. I'm not happy to say this, but she ruined it. When she was born my mother died. That's when everything went downhill. Dad started drinking. He became violent. I never went a day without another bruise. If I think really, really hard I can remember the thanksgiving before my sister was born. That was the last, good day of my life. My sister was born the next day._

I looked down at my arm, and I came crashing down from that high. I threw the lighter down, and I pulled my sleeve down. I put both hands on the steering wheel. I drove to Robs house. I still had to pick him up.

* * *

**My friend asked me a bunch of question so I'll answer them here:**

Q: what's with the sex scene?

A: this is NOT a lemony story. I wanted to show that even during sex, he stays fully clothed. Yep that's right he had all of his clothes on. The sex scene was probably horrible, cuz I'm a virgin.

Q: why does Jasper go to college?

A: Edward and Bella want to stay in forks until Renesmee gets older. Due to Emmett and Jasper causing trouble, Carlisle made them either get a job or go to college, Emmett got fired.


End file.
